Warning: Terrible Lottery Scam E-mail alert (and how I really want to reply)

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Posted on: February 19th, 2012

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Hey folks, we’re taking a break from our barely legible ramblings on all things nerd related to give you a heads up on a diabolical scam that is floating around. Yesterday I got this e-mail:

Attention,

You are a winner in the ongoing UK-National Lottery Promo, you have been approved to paid the total sum of One million pounds to you in your location. For more information kindly contact your claims director Barrister Mark William with his information below:

Claims Agent Barrister Mark William
Name: Barrister Mark William
E-mail:
markwilliam.chamber@email.ch
OR Call: (+44)7024058329

Fill Your Claims Information
Serial No: XZPY/22595478234:
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Tel/Age:
Country:

NOTE: Do not reply to this e-mail, you are to contact your claims Agent Barrister Mark William with his information giving to you and keep your winnings Serial No: XZPY/22595478234 confidential do not give anybody your winning detail OR tell anyone to avoid lost of  winnings claims.

You don’t have to purchase a ticket to enter this lottery. It’s a free email draw.

Regards,
Kristina Sundberg

Now I think you’ll all understand that my first reaction was to reach into my pocket and grab my bank details so I could claim that million pounds like I deserved. However, after hours of painstaking research I got the feeling it may have been a fake.

-The “Attention” rather than a name

-The fact that Barrister Mark William uses “Barrister” either as a first name or like it’s a title such as Doctor (and shouldn’t it be shortened to BR in that case?)

-This great line to not “tell anyone to avoid lost of  winnings claims.” So it’s a super secret lottery draw and they’re keeping 24 hour surveillance on me in case I mention it to anyone. Plus spell check failed them, lost is still correctly spelt, even if it doesn’t make sense in this context.

-The fact that it’s obviously a scam and not even a very good one at that.

Whilst my immediate thought was to delete the e-mail, I then thought “What would Tyler Durden do?” so below I’ve written them an e-mail. I may in fact set up a new e-mail account “Bornsucker@hotmail.com” just so I can reply to them.

Dear Barrister (I hope you don’t mind if I use your first name)

Thank you so much for your e-mail. It really couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, I’ve recently been diagnosed with an almost incurable case of “gullibility”. There is an experimental treatment being conducted by Dr Leo Spaceman (pronounced Spe-Chem-En) that may help with the disease. Basically he’ll sit you in a chair and slap/shout at you until you stop being such a moron. Sorry, didn’t mean to get all technical there. Unfortunately this treatment was well beyond my means as it cost exactly 1 million pounds to get it done. With this money, I’ll be able to leave his payment in a paper bag, hidden in a blue bin behind the Gotham Town Hall and wait for him to get in touch.

Here’s the details you asked for:

Serial No: XZPY/22595478234:
Full Name: Mr Bruce Wayne AKA Batman AKA The World’s greatest detective AKA The Dark Knight (actually, do you mind if I stop there, I know you wanted my full name but I’m referred to by a whole bunch of names……..I’d also appreciate you not letting on about the whole “Batman” thing)

Contact Address: I can’t give you that, you’re a stranger

Tel/Age: 0778457845478454 sorry there’s so many numbers, I have a special number as I also suffer from “fat fingers” so I can’t dial the 11 without my chubby digits mashing other buttons / Do you want my age or the age of my phone? Putting these two un-connected things together is slightly confusing. My age is 43 and a half and my phone is 2.

Country:USA USA USA

 I’ve made sure not to reply to the first e-mail and haven’t told a soul about my good fortune. Although I’m slightly confused why I can’t tell anyone? How will you know if I have? Are you watching me as I write this (if so, sorry I write e-mails in the buff).

Also, I’m so glad that this Lottery doesn’t require me to enter, pay for or spend 3 agonising minutes of effort picking 6 numbers. In fact, it almost seems like you’d not be making any money from this. How do you afford to give lucky winners like myself their million pounds if you don’t have any form of income to support it? I’d also quite like to know how I was even entered into your draw as this all seems too good to be true (Though I know it isn’t). It’s like you picked a random e-mail address out of the air and sent them an e-mail in the hope that they didn’t have any common sense at all and would immediately reply with their bank details.

On that note, here’s my bank details. Unfortunately my Butler, Alfred, has taken my credit card off me in case my gullibility could be used against me in some sort of Scam (obviously he didn’t take into account that I’d be winning a lottery I didn’t enter, that I have to keep a secret and that is asking me for personal details without any form of credentials or even an official link to the Lottery).

Thankfully, I was able to use my spade-like hands to sift through the garbage and found a receipt with my numbers:

************1234

Unfortunately this was how it looked as shops don’t print off your full number, but I’m hoping you can use technology to extrapolate the missing digits.

I just want to say thanks again Bar (Can I call you Bar, I feel like we’re friends now). There’s alot of devious and unscrupulous people out there and I’m glad you guys are keeping the hopes and dreams of millions of people alive. I mean, these people may believe a winning lottery e-mail and get in touch, they may desperately need the money in these hard times and it’s refreshing to know, that whilst this going on, you guys are trying to help people get the million pounds you say they’ve won.

Because if this was just a scam, well that’d just make you the biggest assholes around.

Sincerely

Bruce

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Author Info

Dan is just a guy who worked in a video store and took the compliment/insult that he was like “Randal” from “Clerks” a little too literally. Thankfully Bad Haven has given him the chance to blurt out his internal monologues on nerd culture. Proclaiming his love for the things he likes (which include books, movies, games, comics) and utterly destroying the things he doesn’t (pretty much everything else). Dan is an editor, reviewer and feature writer for Bad Haven.

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Comments
  • http://YourWebsite deb

    OMG! you had me laughing out loud, I really needed that. I hope you don’t mind, I may actually send those bastards your clever reply. I was just sent the same email.

    best,

    deb

    • Dan

      I’m glad it cheered you up. Feel free to use the e-mail but I’d not use my real e-mail address for fear of getting more e-mails from our pal Barrister himself, I’m pretty sure they’d be easy to weed out (Even though they’re so well written :-P ), I just can’t be bothered with the hassel.