There Is An Internet Available For Your Update!

Posted on: July 19th, 2012

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Well here we are, in our new shiny enclosure with all it’s bells and whistles and pretty new layout, all updated and advanced, better than ever. That’s the Internet for you. Someone builds something, it goes up, then they say “Oh s&@t! That doesn’t work! We really should have, I don’t know, maybe tried using the thing for five minutes to see if it operated as the electric potato peeler that we designed it to be rather than what it turned out to be, which as it happens was a thermonuclear rabbit raping machine!”

This is fairly typical of modern technology. It seems as though a mix of pressure to make deadlines and a sort of laxidasical attitude towards bugs has led us to a reliance on being connected to the Internet all the time to make sure we can play games the way the were apparently intended. A glitch in my Internet recently has brought this into sharp focus.

As I have pointed out before, I am aware that games have gotten larger and more complicated and I think this is definitely a good thing. With this growing complexity it naturally follows that the more elaborate the software the more can go wrong with it. Nearly every game you buy these days, as soon as you pop it in the drive (Many times even on the day of release) has a little prompt coming up telling you that there is an ‘Update’ available.


Xbox Live Update

Because this is what you want to see when you put your brand new game into your X-Box.

The perfect example of how something can go terribly wrong and still be somewhat excusable is, of course, the most open-worldy of open world games The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. This game was patched and patched and patched again. At one point the PS3 version couldn’t be played for more than about 25 minutes without slowing down to a crawl. But they fixed it. This was all down to patches being made available on PSN, Xbox Live and via Bethesda’s website for PC users.


skyrim flying horse

Although why anyone would think having a horse that floats 100 feet above the ground is a glitch is beyond me.

It’s not a good thing that these were necessary but with a game as huge and sprawling as Skyrim it is somewhat understandable that maybe there would be a few things that didn’t work and would need to be patched in later. But this is not always the case and one happenstance in particular which kind of make me want to grab someone by the throat and physically educate them about the effects of a sandwich toaster on human digits.


Vic armadillo stove

The Vic Mackay approach to conflict resolution.

I am of course referring to the unbelievably broken and unplayable mess that was the Silent Hill: HD Collection.


Silent Hill HD



I was rapturously excited when I heard about this. For those not in the know, the title is a bit of a mislead as it only contains Silent Hill’s 2 and 3. But that is fine. Realistically they are the only ones worth playing retrospectively (excluding Shattered Memories on the Wii) so I was damn happy about this. Then, a few days before the release of this wonderful thing I saw a video much like this one.



There turned out to be a hell of a lot more glitches but they are all fairly similar in nature to the ones shown here, the framerate issues being the ones that most effect the gameplay to a point where it is pretty much unplayable.

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Author Info

Who Am I?: I like to think of myself as a great instigator of change, chisselling away at the world, knocking off all the bad bits until only the great and wonderful is left behind. The truth is probably more that I am like some kind of blood gorged little parasitic tick, feeding off imperfection and impurity until I become so full that all I can do is wretch and weep. These convulsions and tears generally come out of me in the form of venomous little diatribes, in which I whine about how things aren’t perfect and generally spit bile like a spoiled child who is threatening to hold his breath until he gets what he wants, and should probably go ahead and do it because the world is better off without hateful little goiters like myself. But you’ll just have to put up with me because I’m also terrifically stubborn and I fervently believe in my anger. I usually write about what I reckon is wrong with the world of videogames, which is weird because I really like them. It’s probably some kind of pathological condition that is yet to be diagnosed.

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  • A Parasitic Cyst

    Thermo nuclear rabbit raping machine? Sounds like a good name for a band!