The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey: The Abridged Script

Posted on: December 18th, 2012

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NOTE: We don’t recommend reading this until you’ve seen The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. You can read our actual (and slightly more objective) review for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey here .


The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey


Open on Dwarves mining. Richard Armitage and his dad oversee the whole operation and consider outsourcing for cheaper labour.


 Ian Holm (voiceover):

Dwarves like to mine. They mined so much that they got found the best crystal ever… but you can forget about that until the next movie. Then a Dragon came.


A dragon comes and Richard Armitage and his dad are forced to flee their home. A group of elves appear and decide to watch all this before leaving. Richard Armitage scowls at the elves, then scowls at the dragon, then scowls at the camera. This expression doesn’t leave his face for the rest of the movie.


Ian Holm (Voiceover):

That was all very exciting but that’s enough of that.



the hobbit - frodo and bilbo


Ian Holm:

You know, I think I’ll write about that time when I used to look like Tim from The Office.


Elijah Wood appears


Ian Holm:

Elijah Wood? What are you doing here.

 Elijah Wood:

I’m here to pick up a paycheck and remind people this film is set in the same world as Lord of the Rings

Ian Holm:

Fine then. But before you go, can I ask you about you and Sam’s relationship? You two seem abit… you know…


Elijah Wood looks embarrassed and runs off, stopping to pick up a sack filled with New Zealand dollars from Peter Jackson on the way.


 Ian Holm:

Where was I? Oh yes. That Time I was Tim from the Office


Flashback to Tim from The Office.


the hobbit -bilbo - martin freeman


 Martin Freeman:

You do know The Office has been over for about 10 years don’t you?


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Author Info

Dan is just a guy who worked in a video store and took the compliment/insult that he was like “Randal” from “Clerks” a little too literally. Thankfully Bad Haven has given him the chance to blurt out his internal monologues on nerd culture. Proclaiming his love for the things he likes (which include books, movies, games, comics) and utterly destroying the things he doesn’t (pretty much everything else). Dan is an editor, reviewer and feature writer for Bad Haven.

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