By Abby Chandler | Follow on Twitter
Note: Though it’d break all kind of Copyright infringement laws, we like to believe that this has already happened.
By Abigail Chandler
TONY STARK is exiting an exclusive club into a DARK ALLEY. He wears a SARDONIC SMIRK that reminds one strongly of ROBERT DOWNEY JNR.
Exactly like this guy, only not him.
Above him on a low roof crouches the distinctive silhouette of BATMAN, LURKING.
BATMAN
Tony Stark.
Tony looks up, putting on SUNGLASSES that make him look COOL.
TONY
Hey, Bats.
BATMAN
Or should I say… IRON MAN?!
TONY
Is that supposed to impress me? I went public in the first film, do your research.
Batman is RILED. It’s hard to tell though, as his suit is IMMOBILE.
This is what Batman looks like when he is happy, sad, confused or just plain pissed off.
BATMAN
Don’t gloat just because you were too goddamned weak to keep a secret identity. I’ve kept mine for 73 years!
TONY
Apart from all those Robins you told. How many have you got through now? Like, 20?
BATMAN
Four.
TONY
Hey, didn’t you have a girl one once?
And didn’t she even got her own Rocky 3 training montage.
Batman’s eyes look SHIFTY.
BATMAN
We don’t talk about that. Point is, my secret identity helps me to inspire fear.
TONY
I have a PR team. They help me get hot women and free crap.
Tony is now CHEWING GUM. Again, rather like ROBERT DOWNEY JNR.
TONY
So… you want me to get you into the club or something?
BATMAN
I’m here to warn you, Stark. You might have a head start on me and a little team of Oscar-bait friends, but don’t think you can beat me.
TONY
Er, I’m pretty sure God of Thunder trumps big mumbly Hannibal Lector mask guy.
Batman lunges towards Tony, growling like CHRISTIAN BALE thinking of assaulting a FAMILY MEMBER.
Or a sound guy.
BATMAN
I’m coming for you. I already took down the wuss in the flag.
CUT TO:
CAPTAIN AMERICA, hanging by his ankles above a cityscape, CRYING like a GIRL.
Sniff. “I miss the 40′s”
CUT BACK:
BATMAN
And soon there’ll be nowhere for you to hide.
TONY
I don’t need to hide. Billion dollar supersuit, remember?
BATMAN
I’ll take you down with only a utility belt and an elderly butler.
TONY
AI butler. Supersonic flight. Rockets that shoot out my ass. Samuel L Jackson. Admit it, Bats, I got you beat.
BATMAN
The suit, the team, the gods, I don’t need any of those things to beat you. Want to know why?
Tony, being FOOLISH and COCKY, says:
TONY
Why?
Batman GRABS him by the shirt.
BATMAN
I’m BATMAN.
Batman fires a GRAPPLING GUN and vanishes into the night.
Tony symbolically REMOVES his GLASSES.
TONY
Yep, we’re screwed.
Behind him appears a RED-HAIRED MAN, enveloped in the sort of MESSIANIC GLOW only millions of ADORING GEEKS can generate.
This man is JOSS WHEDON.
Both the hero we deserved and the hero we needed!
JOSS
We’re cool man. I got your back.
Tony sighs with relief not to be COMPLETELY DOOMED.
They head off down the alley together.
TONY
You’re going to give me all the good lines though, right?
Don’t be greedy Tony, you already got the most quotable line from the trailer.
