Who Was The Best BATMAN? The Ultimate Bat-Actor showdown.

Movie Roles Recast
Posted on: December 12th, 2012

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The Internet seems to going crazy with speculation about how could play Batman in a Bat-reboot/JLA movie. Not only that but there seems to be alot of people trying to decide just which actor was the best Batman. I thought that rather than look at the pros and cons of each actor in the role (which would probably be the mature and smart thing to do), I’d settle the argument the only way it can be settled. By imagining how a fight between the movie incarnations of Batman would play out.

I’ve had to call all the Batmen by the name of the actor who played them as I found if I didn’t, I ended up with this.

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Movie Roles Recast

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“Batman hit Batman, another Batman appears from nowhere and hits Batman. Batman was furious so he threw a batarang at Batman. A Batmobile suddenly appears and Batman jumps out. Batman immediately grabs Batman and they fight”.

You get the idea.

The players:

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And me sonny Jim, don’t you ever forget about me!

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FIGHT!

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Batman surveys the streets of Gotham. He knows he’s the hero they need, not the hero they want….or need….or even like…..and if anything is only making things worse for these people…….but he’s there anyway and what are you going to do about it? Nothing! That’s what, because he’s a muscular millionaire genius!

He hears something behind him and with a suitable dramatic “swoosh” of his cape he turns. The sight that confronts him is too much, it’s another Batman, only in a slightly different suit and looking suspiciously like Michael Keaton.

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“You ever dance with the Devil in the pale moon night?”
“Wha?”Bale mumbles (*what?)
“Doesn’t matter, just something the Joker said once. Speaking of which, where is your Joker? Locked up in Arkham I hope. I’d hate to hear he’d overdosed in a hotel room” he says with a sly wink.
“Do Sooooooooo” (*Too SOOOOOON) Bale yells as he launches himself at this imposter.
The two start to fight on the rooftop. Bale starts to get the upper hand when he realises that Keaton’s suit won’t allow him to turn his head so attacks from the sides again and again.
All seems lost for Keaton until they hear a thunderous noise and are suddenly blinded by what looks like a flashing disco-ball. A grappling hook appears on the wall beside them and they hear engine noises getting louder until the flashiest (and least inconspicuous) Batmobile they’ve ever seen lands on the roof.

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Seriously, this just looks awful.

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Shielding their eyes they wait for a few seconds, Keaton turns to Bale and says “Wouldn’t it be easier to use the Batwing? Do you even have a Batwing?” Bale shrugs and mutters “accordiontospalishido”. (*According to the spoilers I do!)
Lo and behold, another Batman jumps out.
“I’ve just been to the drive-thru,” Val Kilmer says and waits for the audience to laugh…..

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….No one does.

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Bale and Keaton immediately turn on the newcomer. He tries to put up a fight but the two overpower him.
“Dammit, who’d have thought my experience of fighting an old Two Face and a mincing Riddler would leave me with little to no fighting abilities. Help me Robin!”
Bale and Keaton look at each other. Keaton walks over to the Batmoblie and takes out a small boy, crying and scared.
“Damn it Kilmer, this is why we don’t use Robins, it just makes us look like millionaire Paedophiles!”
Suddenly a shadow flashes above them and a fourth Batman drops down from the sky.
“Room for one more?”

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The three stare at this newcomer and his cocksure smile starts to falter.
Bale points: “A tho banipis?” (*Are those Bat nipples?)
Suddenly self conscious, Clooney tries to cover up his chest but the other three are already laughing.
“Stop it, don’t look at me”
Clooney pulls his cape over his face so they can’t see him cry and starts to run away. Unfortunately he can’t see which way he’s going and runs right off the side of the building, landing on a bulky military vehicle painted black that Bale tries to pretend is a cool looking Batmobile.
Dying, a smile plays across his face. “Finally, an end to the Bat nipple jokes.”

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Let’s face it, there will never be an end to the Batmipples jokes.

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Dazed, the three remaining Batmen look at each other before starting their fight again. Keaton starts to lose ground as the two attack from the side and really regrets not making the neck of his suit less rigid.
He manages to reach the edge of the building. Firing a Batarang at the two, he gets the moments distraction he needs to open his cape, revealing batwings. He launches himself into the night.

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Bale growls something incoherent and flings himself after his prey.
Kilmer tries to do the same but forgets which button makes his wings extend and instead turns it into that shiny cape thingy that stops fire (for some reason) and falls to land beside Clooney.
He turns to Clooney, the darkness overcoming them both, and using the last of his strength he reaches out and whispers….

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“I wasn’t great, but you really sucked.”

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Meanwhile:

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Keaton continues to glide through the city of Gotham closely followed by Bale. As Bale watches the City go by, he can’t help but think to himself “This is my City, I’m the Hero they need……. not the hero they want…….or like…….or respect………..I’m Batm…..”

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BAM

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His monologue is interrupted when he smacks head first into a wall. Dazed, he tries to figure out why there was such an exaggerated noise and flashing “BAM” when he hit the wall. His questions are answered when another Batman emerges from the night.

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Hmmm, maybe “minces from the night” would be a better way to put it.

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Adam West walks over to Bale and looks down with disgust “This is what it’s come to? Dark, gritty realism? You make me sick.”
Bale looks up with bleary eyes “Wa da id loo lie yu hab chalb on you mass.” (* Why do you have chalk eyebrows drawn on your mask).

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I always wondered that myself.

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Enraged, West starts to beat Bale. Each hit being accompanied by a whimsical sound effect and a nonsensical word like “Zang” or “Swot”.
He is so engrossed in this that he doesn’t notice Keaton sneaking up behind him. He lifts West off Bale, “He’s mine old man” and starts to mercilessly beat West.
Gone are the light hearted sound effects and words to be replaced with agonised screaming, the sound of flesh beating flesh and words like “Break”, “Maim”, “Squeeslh”.

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Bale looks on in horror as he fights to get back on his feet. Keaton, dripping with blood, moves over to him.
Bale, using the last of his strength to remain standing, shakes his head and mutters, “Batum dosen kel.” (*Batman Doesn’t kill.)
Keaton chuckles. “This Batman does,” and points at Bale’s stomach.
Bale sees a comical bomb strapped to the front of his suit. As Keaton starts to laugh Bale launches himself at him.
The two struggle but Keaton can’t break away from Bale’s iron grip.

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Bale looks into Keaton’s frightened eyes and mumbles, “Blah” (* “To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee”).

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Come on, anything less than a nuke and you just wouldn’t beleive it could take out Batman.

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Epilogue:

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The explosion rocks the city. In Wayne Manor Alfred Pennyworth loses his balance and clutches a table for support. Something terrible has happened…… 5 times!

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Looks like I’ll be dispatching my own brand of vigilante justice from now on……Sir.

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5 minutes later:

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Brandon Routh looks down at the broken bodies of Kilmer, Clooney and West. He’s managed to collect as much of Keaton and Bale as possible and their remains sit close by.

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Doing things according to Batman’s Last Will and Testament, he holds all of them in his arms and screams “NOOOOOOOOOO” into the night. Though in the case of Bale and Keaton, it just looks like he’s holding a kebab.

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“But why, surely there’s enough room in the world for all of them to be Batman? Why did they have to fight to prove just who was the best? That’s what rabid internet fan boys (who write such articles as the one you’re reading) are here for.”
He shakes his head sadly as he looks into the sky. Suddenly something flashes across the moon.

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Christopher Reeve lands beside him. “I’m sorry, I’m here to pay my respects to my friend Batman. I’m Superman”.
Routh gives him a disgusted look, “Maybe you were old man but I think you’ll find I’m Superman now.”
A voice booms from above. “Not in the eyes of a generation of 90′s Television watchers.”

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They look up to see Dean Cain’s smug features looking at them.
“Ahem. I think, to the newest generation at least, I’m the real Superman,” proclaims Tom Welling as he steps out of an alley.
Routh holds up his hands to Welling. “Hold on. These two have a good claim but come on, did you even wear the suit in that show?”

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Embarrassed, Welling mutters: “Kinda…in the last episode….though there were copyright difficulties.”
Routh shakes his head, “Well, I guess there’s only one way to figure this out once and for all.”
The four stare at each other. And then all hell breaks loose.

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But that’s another story…

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Shock Twist Ending!!!

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From a building overlooking the alley a lone figure watches, both upset yet elated at what has happened in the last few hours. He once again wonders if he did the right thing in giving the different Batmen the location of the others and setting off this tragic series of events.
But he had to, didn’t he?
Otherwise he’d never get the chance to shine.
Isn’t it his turn to take the spotlight after all these years?
Nightwing turns away from the carnage with a smile on his face…and wonders who will play him in “Nightwing: The Movie”.

Dun Dun DAAAAAA!

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Author Info

Dan is just a guy who worked in a video store and took the compliment/insult that he was like “Randal” from “Clerks” a little too literally. Thankfully Bad Haven has given him the chance to blurt out his internal monologues on nerd culture. Proclaiming his love for the things he likes (which include books, movies, games, comics) and utterly destroying the things he doesn’t (pretty much everything else). Dan is an editor, reviewer and feature writer for Bad Haven.

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