By Kieran Majury | Follow on Twitter
SPOILERS AHEAD!
AN ALIEN PLANET
A very white alien drinks from a cup and dives into a waterfall.
Though thankfully has the modesty to wear underpants.
A spaceship takes off so that we know that it is a science fiction film because the next scene is….
ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG SCOTLAND
Noomi Rapace looks at a wall
NOOMI RAPACE
If this was the first scene of a film I totally would have walked out just in case it was a film about archaeological digs. Oh look five dots on the wall!
Logan Marshall-Green walks in.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
Did you say five dots? That’s all the proof that I need. Now put on a revealing top cause we need to spend the need to spend the next hour raising a kabillion non-denominational currency.
NOOMI RAPACE
What?
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
Lol JK
PROMETHEUS SPACESHIP
Crudely painted on the side are the words “Fuck U Nostromo!”
Michael Fassbender walks around a spaceship and does some non-robot actions like watch Laurence of Arabia, groom himself while doing impressions and playing basketball because they created a robot that gets bored clearly.
SHIPS COMPUTER
Good morning David
Film critics across the globe pop their monocles. Micheal Fassbender puts on a sci-fi helmet that makes it possible to see into Noomi Rapace’s dreams, for some reason Patrick Wilson appears doing a British accent.
PATRICK WILSON
Toot toot pip pip old chum listen to me, if you chose to believe something regardless of how redundant it is, it completely invalidates everyone else.
YOUNG NOOMI RAPACE
Cor blimey!
AUDIENCE
Wait she’s supposed to be British? Wait hold on they have a device that can let you creep on people’s thoughts? Why did they put Ripley through all that crap at the start of Aliens?
I don’t know who Ripley is, but I think I’m supposed to be Soff Africeen!
They arrive at the planet, Charlize Theron beats hyper sleep by getting up early and DOING PRESS UPS to show how much of a bad ass she is. Everyone else wakes up. Idris Elba is putting up a Christmas tree and resisting the urge to lean on the pool table and scowl.
CHARLIZE THERON
Predominantly white, English speaking Christians, yep, definitely science fiction.
Everyone else makes their way down to the hanger for a briefing. Charlize Theron turns on a hologram of Michael Rooker who has been mistakenly billed as Guy Pearce.
You might remember me from Tombstone….Replacement Killers?….. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer? Hmmm, maybe they should have hired someone abit more famous and then put them in old man make up. Someone like Guy Pearce perhaps.
MICHAEL ROOKER
I called this ship the Prometheus because the name Hot Cock Express might attract the wrong audience. Michael Fassbender is a robot, he is like a SON and HEIR to me.
During the mention of SON and HEIR we cut to Charlize Theron because subtlety is also an alien concept. Logan Marshall-Green fulfills the sci-fi cliche of putting something on the ground that fires images into the air.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
We saw these five dots a few times, it could only mean one thing… ALIENS.
NOOMI RAPACE
Aliens that made us.
CANNON FODDER #1
What? Darwinism!
CANNON FODDER #2
Oh snap!
NOOMI RAPACE
It’s what I choose to believe. Double snap!
Everyone shuts up cause you can’t argue with that.
ALIEN STRUCTURE
Female Basil Exposition with a Scottish accent and a bob cut explains.
FEMALE BASIL
Blah blah blah toxic atmosphere, have to keep the suits on, gloves optional.
Though obviously they take their helmets off because there’s no point showing a little caution when exploring Alien planets. Plus, it makes it easier for something to jump at your face!
NOOMI RAPACE
#PrometheusAreYouSeeingThis ?
They go inside and are treated to some ghosts/holograms. The two cannon fodder characters freak out that the expedition wasn’t solely devoted to investigating rocks.
CANNON FODDER #2
Let’s go back to the ship.
CANNON FODDER #1
I hope we don’t get lost some how.
Everyone else goes through a door and see a giant head with some containers in front. Michael Fassbender grabs one container. Because the movie is running the risk of being over rather quickly the screenwriters put in a storm so that everyone has to leave the ship.
NOOMI RAPACE
Let’s go, well probably run into the two cannon fodder characters along the way.
They don’t despite the fact that Idris Elba is on the ship watching everyone’s helmet cameras and has a 3d map at his disposal somehow the two rock lovers don’t make it back.
IDRIS ELBA
Everything here seems to be in order.
BACK ON THE SHIP
Female Basil Exposition and Noomi Rapace open up an Alien helmet to find an Alien still in it and take a DNA sample and discover that THEY ARE US!
And this was just a helmet…..and an excuse to remind everyone of Alien.
Michael Fassbender fiddles around with and Alien container and takes a black spot on his finger and talks to himself.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
With great power… etc
Logan Marshall-Green is pissed that there were no LIVING aliens on board because being one of the first persons to discover an alien apparently just isn’t cutting it.
Michael Fassbender comes in an wipes the black spot on the glass and offers it to him.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Might I suggest that sir gets redrunkulous?
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
Join me.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
I’m a robot.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
I forgot.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Easy done, it’s not like its my only discernible character trait and there haven’t been several references to it already.
This screen shot from the movie kind of implies he’s a robot…..because a real man wouldn’t button his shirt to the very top.
Logan Marshall-Green drinks from the glass and then goes back to Noomi Rapace.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
Creating something is so easy anyone can do it. Birth like is totally doable by anyone, any idiot at all.
NOOMI RAPACE
Except…ME!
Charlize Theron humps Idris Elba to prove to him she’s not a robot because that is the best way to prove to someone you’re not a robot.
Meanwhile back in the Alien catacombs the two cannon fodder characters are taking shelter in the room with all the containers. A distinctly phallic looking creature swims up to them. Because no one has died yet their immediate inclination is to try and touch it. It transform into something a bit more vaginay and kills them via bukkae.
“You know, considering you shit a brick when you saw a dead alien, I’m a little surprised that the first thing you did when you noticed me stalking you was to try and put your fingers into my tooth filled mouth!”
THE NEXT MORNING
The team go back to the Alien catacombs. Logan Marshall-Green is looking a bit sick on it. Michael Fassbender disappears on his own adventure. He crushes his helmet camera so that Charlize Theron doesn’t see.
CHARLIZE THERON
The son of a bitch…HE CUT ME
OFF!
Michael Fassbender is in a room where there is a sleeping Alien. He makes his way back to the ship. The rest of the team discover the two dead guys and Logan Marshall-Green is being movie sick. They decide to head back to the Prometheus. Charlize Theron is having none of
this.
CHARLIZE THERON
I’m going to flamethrower you.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN
Since I’m going to die anyway this is a far better alternative to taking my helmet off.
“In fact, you could have just shot me. I’m pretty sure I saw guns in one of the hundred trailers/TV spots”
Charlize Theron flamethrowers him. Noomi Rapace is subdued and is taken to the medical bay to find out she is three months pregnant. She runs to have a space abortion in a plot device that was set up in the beginning of the film and has a space squid pulled out of her.
Rather than telling anyone about this she runs back to the medical bay to find out OH SNAP PLOT TWIST Michael Rooker was on board THE WHOLE TIME along with some henchmen.
MICHAEL ROOKER
I have to personally ask why we were created since email doesn’t seem to exist anymore. The robot is going to translate for me. Have there been any Pinocchio references, cause he is mine.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
And you are a Gepettophile sir.
One of the Canon Fodder Characters shows up as a zombie for some reason and they let him in for some reason. He messes up everyone’s shit but gives people a chance to fire guns.
Also, being spit on by an Alien vaga-penis gives you super human agility and strength. Just because.
Michael Rooker, Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace, female Basil Exposition and henchmen make there way over to the sleeping white Alien and wake him up. Michael Rooker asks THE BIG QUESTION that Michael Fassbender does in alien language.
MICHAEL ROOKER
So, was Hitler onto something?
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Clickity Click Hitler Sthunk?
The Aryan Alien responds by PUNCHING EVERYONE VERY HARD IN THE FACE, except Noomi who escapes as the Alien ship is taking off.
NOOMI RAPACE
Idris, you have to crash the ship to stop them.
Charlize Theron escapes the ship as it flies towards the Alien ship.
IDRIS ELBA
I hope they have big tables in heaven.
PILOT #1
You owe me 100 non denominational currency
PILOT #2
The screenwriter owes us a better attempt at characterization.
Sorry boys. I’d let you leave but there’s only about 20 minutes left and too many characters still alive.
The Prometheus blows up and sends the Alien ship crashing to the ground. Charlize Theron and Noomi Rapace run away from the ship in a straight line when Noomi gets the bright idea of going to the left unlike Charlize Theron, who gets crushed.
The Aryan Alien is raging and comes after Noomi Rapace who unleashes the space squid on him which has a lot of vaginay orifices.
ARYAN ALIEN
So many vaginas.
Take it like a man!
The space squid bukkaes him to death. Noomi Rapace and Michael Fassbender’s head get on board another Alien Ship and take off.
NOOMI RAPACE
Plot a course for the sequel.
Fade to black.
AUDIENCE
Wait there was no proper alien.
RIDLEY SCOTT
Fine here you go.
An alien jumps out.
And with this one scene, the Alien Mythos doesn’t make sense anymore. Thanks Ridley!
