5 Reasons Prometheus Is A Terrible Movie

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Posted on: June 12th, 2012

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Every so often a movie comes out that bamboozles people into thinking it’s good. Whether it be the haughty directing chops, high production value, seamless CGI or flawless ensemble; these movies make you think you’ve just sat through one of the critics top ten list’s top 5, that you’ve just witnessed cinematic nirvana, and this seems even more safe a bet when everyone else nods in dumb-ass agreement.

One such movie is Prometheus currently enjoying the sort of foaming masturbatory mouth love from fans and critics alike that’s usually reserved for a film that is actually in any way good. Which Prometheus I’d like to point out isn’t.

And we’re not saying this to be ‘cool’ and buck the trend. We’re saying it because Prometheus is actually a stinking log of shite in Christmas wrapping paper. And while you might have liked the wrapping paper, you can’t ignore that smell forever.

And we’re here to make it all the more potent, so snuffle up and take a whiff because below we have 5 reasons why Prometheus is a Boston Steamer, and if you think it’s good you’re wrong (and probably fart in the bath and bite the bubble too):

 

5 . Prometheus Asks A Deep Philosophical Question

And Thus It’s Deep. If You’re 12

prometheus space map

Where do we come from? Oh right, from that planet over on the right. Well that was anti-climatic.

Firstly; the question of where we came from may be a deep philosophical question, but it is also a question that has been addressed by everyone of note from the pre-Socratics onwards with varying degrees of bull-shit for the past couple thousand years. It’s not new, and it’s not clever. It’s even older than father time god dammit!

It’s the sort of question that Science has had a crack at answering with the whole evolution malarkey, we mostly believe them (unless you’re a rabid creationist) and just because Ridley Scott asked the same question with some nice cinematography and good special effects doesn’t make you enlightened because you could understand him.

Because this movie is spoon-fed philosophy for the masses, not the real deal. And the pseudo science involved is just plain bollocks and makes no sense for more reasons than I can comfortably go into here.

If you actually want to know ‘where we come from’ try Hawking, Feynman, Dawkin’s maybe and then come back and tell me how smart you are. Because while Ridley Scott asks a potent question, he then proceeds to take a massive crap all over that question and wipe his ass with your eyeballs.

And let me just remind ya’ll that the last time anyone asked questions about our mysterious beginnings and linked them to Alien races from beyond the stars it was ErichVon Daniken with his books Chariots Of The Gods.

You know, that guy from the 70′s we all quickly realised was fucking whack-a-doodle.

If he’d had better special effects and cinematography maybe you’d have believed him.

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  • Aeropage

    “Prometheus ASK’S A Deep Philosophical Question”? A new level of ironic fail. Proofreading is a good thing.

  • Scott Barry

    Although I liked “Prometheus,” I still can’t hurdle the obvious plot-hole of the engineer being discovered in the bridge of the derelict ship in the movie “Alien,” but that concept is completely abandoned by “Prometheus,” leaving the engineer a dead carcass on the floor from which the alien hatched. There was the potential to make a seamless prequel here, but the filmmakers apparently hadn’t thought of that aspect. And don’t give me that “There was a second ship all along” jazz—this movie never aimed for subtlety, and certainly would have made the two-ships issue relevant.

  • Jesus Villasevil Ortiz

    I felt tempted to correct your awful grammar, and I’m not even English.

    • Mark McCann

      Stephen Fry once said of Oscar Wilde and Grammar Nazi’s;

      Oscar Wilde, and there have been few greater and more complete lords of language in the past thousand years, once included with a manuscript he was delivering to his publisher, a compliments slip in which he’d scribbled the injunction, “I’ll leave you to tidy up the woulds and shoulds, wills and shalls, thats and whichs etc.”

      Now I hope my ‘awful grammar’ didn’t detract too heavily from your enjoyment of the article. If so, I apologise most profusely and I’ll leave you to get back to being anal now ;)

  • resident

    I liked the movie, and your article, and agree with a lot, not all, but a lot of it, pretty funny. But what people always tend to forget. It’s a friggin movie, it’s meant to entertain, it’s not meant to invoke life changing epiphany. If I can forget about my job for 2 hours, I’m good.

  • Stan

    great article and thanks for not forgetting Lindelof’s contribution.He deserves all the bad press he can get.

  • Sj

    Please learn the difference between ‘their’ and ‘they’re’.
    Other than that, good article. Made me chuckle.

  • Nathan Falldorf

    I think the alien/bio warfare weapon was to show the evolution of the Alien, not the origin of human life, but the origin and evolution of the Xenomorph. Besides the point of the movie, why is Prometheus such a big deal to you? Its not like it raked in tons moviegoers and loved by all. It would make more sense to refute a movie that everyone thought was awesome and was actually terrible.

    • Mark McCann

      Yes, but it’s the return by the creator no less, to a universe that spawned a beloved franchise (Alien), that while sullied by later films, could be seen as complete after the first 2 (or 3 if you like). The inclusion of Prometheus undermines that series of films horribly, by being a piece of doggerel sci-fi tat. And I care because I enjoyed the original trilogy and it adds to the argument. I enjoy adding to the argument ;D

  • Hurley

    This article has soooooo much personal opinion in it. All five reasons are weak, with the second being the weakest. I mean HAVE you even seen Alien! When they start to enter the derelect ship, they mention that the ship has been there for about 100,000 years, 100,000! The events of Prometheus take place roughly 30 years before Alien. So in no way that the thing at the end of Prometheus is a queen or even related to a xenomorph. This pretty much sums up my point and can go on and on. Everytime somebody starts to talk about the “deacon”, saying how its the beginning of the xenomorphs, totally forgets about the timeline in Alien.

    • Mark McCann

      Yes, which kind of backs up the original point that ‘The series of events that lead to the deacons birth are pretty unrepeatable’. As this creature looks like an alien, chest bursts like an alien, and for all intents and purposes shows up at the end of the film to give a nod to the ‘original’ alien. But it’s not an ‘alien’ and couldn’t be one.

      So how was this fairly unrepeatable 3 tier process that takes place between 2 entirely different species and a spot of black goo in a vial, that gave birth to the deacon to begin with, recreated to come up with a whole new cast of creatures that look almost identical. Or evolved to look like that. 100,000 years ago….

      Bad writing. That’s how. Prometheus was a turd. Stop defending it.

    • ANON

      Actually if you remember watching the movie, there was a huge mural of a xenomorph in one of the chambers. My theory is that the specific black goo no matter what the process will become something similar, if not the xenomorph. So this black goo manipulates life to create xenomorphs as it’s final process of the metamorphoses. And as we know about xenomorphs, they take on a specific characteristic depending on what organism it impregnates. So this may be a queen that lays face huggers eggs, and those face huggers will impregnate humans(other organisms) and create the xenomorphs that we know and love. So this black goo may be 100000 years old after all.

      None the less, this is a stupid ending.

    • Mark McCann

      That’s actually a great point. Well made

  • Pingback: PROMETHEUS: A (Half-Arsed) Defence | BAD HAVEN | News & Reviews of Comics, Movies, Games and Books

  • tigs

    I loved your ‘take’ on the film and laughed so much. I did actually like the film but it does not compare to Alien or even Aliens, which remain my all time favourite scifi films. Tnanks for making me laugh so much, brilliant.

  • http://yahoo.com Grant

    I appreciated your stance, though I just wanted to point out one teensy typo that stuck out:

    Because they did it by accident, humans turned out to be c*nts and now they’re cleaning up they’re mess.

    the second ‘they’re’ should be spelt ‘their’

  • Bad Man

    Genius! I linked it in :)

  • http://www.atwinadventure.com/ Susie McBeth

    I love this take down. I also came across this article on why Prometheus gets it wrong… http://angel14.com/2012/06/12/prometheus-review-film/