By Dan Murray | Follow on Twitter
Dear George Lucas.
Having slowly alienated fans of your original Stars Wars movies for many, many years now, I have to say enough is enough. I loved Star Wars and read many books/ comics, bought many toys and played most games that came out under the Star Wars banner (Even a strange side scrolling beat-em-up which was shit bar the fact you could use a lightsaber). So why, oh why do you hate me so?
My inner child is cryng at what you’ve done to his fond memories of Star Wars!
What have I ever done to you bar line your pockets? Hmmm? I even believed you when you said the originals would never be released on DVD and as such, was duped into buying the extended “proper” versions of the films (and by proper I mean, filled with shit looking CGI, a remixed and shit Ewok victory song and Han shooting in self defense) before you did finally release the originals and I had to buy them again.
This is the shelf I use to hold all the different variations of A New Hope that exist on DVD. It’s 10,000 copies, each with minor un-necessary tweaks.
Not out of fan boy obsession to own them all, but out of a desire to own the originals on DVD and perhaps someday watch them with my kids. You know, on the off chance I meet and settle down with one of those strange breed of girls who finds my nerdiness charming, endearing and even more bewilderingly, is willing to sleep with me. Now I understand you like money and I can only assume you have amassed a Scoorge McDuck-like vault of the hard earned money that we keep throwing at you like we’re skat perverts who will pay for the privilege of having your shit thrown in our faces (Actually, that’s a pretty good analogy of what it feels like to be a Star Wars fan now).
Biff (the man everyone forgets is a potential rapist) knows what I’m talking about.
You’ve retired from directing and whilst I’d like to sincerely thank you for giving me three of my favourite movies, I’d also like to berate you for ruining those movies with constant tinkering and the prequels. We all waited so long for them, and they turned out to be a bigger disappointment than when you buy a donut that looks amazing on the outside, only to find that the custard filling inside is, in fact, a wad of spunk.
This isn’t actual spunk obviously, there’s no blood in it…..hmmm, I should maybe get a doctor to look into that.
With the release of The Phantom Menace in 3D coming soon (in another excellent ploy to get us to pay to see it again before you decide to change it 20 years down the line with special editions where Han Solo inexplicably appears to shoot Greedo in self defense again, in case we hadn’t noticed that subtle touch the first time you released a special edition), there are so many things you could have done to redeem yourself. Such as:
-Take out Jar Jar: Either cut him out of the film or have Liam Neeson actually take him out in real life.
-Cut out about a third of the movie: From any section but the lightsaber fight is fine, I’d suggest any scenes featuring the Gungans.
-Extend the lightsaber fight by roughly half an hour ,which by extension, will add the time Darth Maul has any relevance in the film by roughly half an hour.
-Whilst I thought the pod race was shit, you can leave it in, just take out 2 of the 3 laps. After the first one we get the idea. Anakin’s going to win, adding half an hour of needless CG will not add tension.
-Replace the robots saying comedic phrases like “Roger, Roger” and “Whoopsie-daisy”, instead have them spew racially offensive slurs. This will mean we’ll be more invested when they get killed, plus will be less likely to want to stab ourselves in the head when we have to listen to their “Dialogue”.
-Have a space battle that doesn’t end with a small child accidentally blowing up a ship. I have no jokes for this, just take it out of the film.
-At least have the decency to be honest about your motivations. You should appear at the end of the movie carrying a bucket filled with your fan’s tears and then pour it over yourself whilst laughing manically before screaming, “I’m showering in the tears of your broken hearts, and it feels great” and burning the money we’ve just paid to see the movie….because you can.
Male audience members all get similtanious erections as Jar Jar is killed!
There. Sure, these changes aren’t going to please everyone but they’re a start. In fact, they might just please everyone. I’m pretty sure they’d please the fans that you’ve pissed off over the years by telling us we shouldn’t have liked the originals because they weren’t your intended version (That was the Special Needs Edition). You’d please the fans who pretend to like the prequels based on the cool lightsaber action as there’d be more of it now (Once again, this would also please Darth Maul fans as he’d be on screen longer).
Yes, the prequels are better than the originals….good….good!
Hell, you’d even please the sycophantic fans who believe that every change you made has been necessary, that The Clone Wars is more than just a kids TV show (It isn’t), that Star Wars: Underworld is ever going to hit our screens (and somehow be good) and who basically think you’re The Balls anyway so will once again grovel before your genius whimpering “We’re not worthy, Han would never shoot first, here’s more money!!”
Unfortunately I know I’m never going to get any of these things because I’ve just seen the trailer for The Phantom Menace 3D. Check it out below.
Warning: This will most likely erase any and all goodwill (granted I’ll assume the gas tank’s nearly empty by now anyway) you can muster for George Lucas or Star Wars in general.
Did you see it? Or more importantly, did you hear it. If you’ve managed to uncurl yourself from that horrible position you cringed yourself into with each sentence out of his mouth I’d like to point out that the only thing he said that was true during that whole trailer was “It’s not ALL fun”. You’re right about that sir…..you’re right about that!
I’ve got to admit this is a master-stroke in editing and scripting. Somehow they’ve made The Phantom Menace look even more shit than I remembered it, that takes some doing, because it’s fucking awful.
All this has lead me to ask the question, why are doing this to me George? Do you not want my money anymore? Or is it because you know that no matter what you put out, people will still buy it. That we still spend money on the shit you produce to such horrifying degrees that you actually think we like it?
We don’t George…..We don’t.
Hey, even beaten wives will sometimes go back to an abusive husband because they did something nice once. While this does mean they share in the blame, it doesn’t make him any less of an asshole when he does it again.
Sincerely,
One of your many beaten wives,
Dan
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