THE AVENGERS Merchandise (Including Toys, Ang Pows, Colognes and Trading Cards).

By Dan Murray | Follow on Twitter

There’s a lot of Marvel’s The Avengers paraphernalia popping up recently. While we could have looked at all of these individually, they weren’t really that interesting so we decided to wait and show you the various items in one article. Aren’t we considerate? Yes, yes we are. (What was that? You! At the back? “Doesn’t that make us lazy?” you say. Well, I’ve never heard the like! Why, if typing a sentence didn’t make me with sweat with exertion, I’d give you a good telling off!)

 The Avengers toy range.

Firstly we have the toys. We all loved tie-in toys when we were younger. Let’s never forget the times we got a toy based on a character we loved that somehow only vaguely looked like the actor it was portraying and usually came with an as assortment of accessories that were nowhere to be seen in the film itself.

Here’s an example:

You’d have to be blind not to see that this muscled figure is Sam Neill’s Alan Grant from Jurassic Park. Note how he has Grant’s trademark hat and also his trademark net firing backpack which he used to catch baby pterodactyls. I also remember thinking it was quite cruel and out of character for a mild mannered archaeologist to do this.

Of course, today they’re much more savvy about these kind of things and so The Avengers only come with things they use in the film. If that’s the case, I can’t wait to see Captain America using his shield firing gun instead of wasting his own time and strength throwing it. And Thor to somehow launch his Hammer, from what appears to be some form of spunk cocoon, at enemies.

Also it appears that Iron Man needs more than just his arm and feet thrusters as this excellent looking kite can also be attached to him. I like to think the reason for his using a para-glider is because he’s gone “Green” and doesn’t want to pollute the atmosphere any more than he has to so instead glides about using his thrusters only for directional adjustment.

The poor Hulk doesn’t get any accessories and I feel this is shameful. You should at least get a spare Bruce Banner figure to go with it. This could also have been a real money making tool as they could have made 3 different toys lines by having Banner in the form of Eric Bana, Edward Norton or Mark Ruffalo. You could get the one you liked best and collectors would have been forced to buy all three.

The Edward Norton figure might not have been the most successful as according to Marvel sources “He doesn’t play well with others”. Understandably Norton isn’t too happy about that.

They’re not giving everything away though.Hot Toys have given us a look at Fury’s body along with the tag line “What are prepared to do”. Now the masterstroke they’ve pulled on us is that they didn’t show us his face. So who knows what his face will look like? I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that it possibly looks vaguely like Samuel L Jackson but that’s just me.

Now as I know we can’t wait to see what that face looks like, I’ve used state of the art technology (Paint) to give us a few examples of what we might get.

Wow, you can barely notice that there was any editing done at all.

The first is the head of the Shaft toy that was made when Samuel L Jackson starred in the remake. He’s a complicated man, and no-one understands him but his woman………..Nick Fury! (Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)

The second as you’ve probably guessed is the head of a Mace Windu toy seamlessly joined to the body. He sure would be a “force” to be reckoned with……geddit?……force…….I’ll stop now.

The last is star of DS9 Avery Brooks……..no real reason for that. I just noticed they looked similar and figured Avery could do with the media exposure more. What did happen to him by the way?

There’s even Bobble heads. These are great at home or on the move. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been lulled into a state of relaxation and calm whilst driving during rushhour with a few of these stuck to my dashboard…..wait……what was that bump?…..is that blood or paint?……Drive, Drive, I’ll take this to my GRAVE!!!!!

Red envelopes or Ang Pows:

Now I’m not too sure what these ang pows are but apparently they’re Chinese envelopes. These creative Avenger’s themed ones were handed out for the 6 days following Chinese New Year. Now I don’t know about you but I really like the idea of sending someone a letter that lets them know what to expect before they open it.

For example, I’d send the Black Widow one to a girlfriend or wife. Letting her know that whilst you love her and all, Scarlett Johansson’s face replaces hers nine times out of  ten during sex.

I’d also send the Hulk for any angry hate-filled letters I send. Like the one I sent to my wife’s lawyer when she filed for divorce after I accidentally shouted “Scarlett!!!!!” during sex. It lets him know what he was in for and heavily implied that I’d end up smashing him. In fact, I probably didn’t even need to send the letter or the anthrax, the envelope alone would have done the job.

What could say “I’m sorry for your loss” as much as Captain America arriving on your doorstep on the day of the funeral for your slimy divorce lawyer husband, who’s murderer is still at large. You know he’s lost so much that you just can’t help but feel he understands your pain better than anyone.

You can even send a Hawkeye one to anyone you want to feel unwanted and un-important. Like your good for nothing kids who sided with your wife due to your belligerent alcohol fuelled rages.

Note: there is no Hawkeye one so you just have to send a blank red envelope. I wonder did Jeremy Renner at least get one of those when the advertisers broke the news to him?

Avengers Cologne

Nothing says “I’m not getting laid” tonight than proudly smelling of your favorite hero. Here’s the colognes and a little bit about them (Also included is my own personal thoughts on how they smell)

Infinity Formula Cologne

Face danger with something dangerous. Activate the Initiative.

Colonel Nicholas “Nick” Fury. Paratrooper, Ranger, Weapons and Demolitions Expert, Aircraft Specialist and Pilot, Green Beret. Veteran of every US War and Military Conflict since WWII. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. “The single most powerful, most important organization on the planet Earth.” And the only human strong enough to bring together a group of remarkable people who would fight the battles no one else could.

Bad Haven verdict: Not the best to be honest. The smell drifts in and out whenever it feels like it. In fact, sometimes it’s overpowering and un-necessary.

Patriot Cologne

Your Attack Plan.

A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker ona motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.

Bad Haven verdict: This starts off quite weak, to the point were you’ll be unsure if you put it on at all. After about an hour or so the smell will hit and boy will it impress. With hints of patrotism/humilty/righteousness and do-goodery about you, we defy you not to stand out in the crowd. Although not a crowd of girls, they only like the bad boys.

Mark VII Cologne

Armor Up.

A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of “I don’t play well with others” confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.

Bad Haven verdict: This is definitely how you imagine Tony Stark must smell. It’s the perfect mix of rust and disdain towards those less fortunate than you. You can almost feel your nose sticking up in the air at everyone who isn’t as rich as you.

SMASH!

Be Angry.

Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where-at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.

Bad Haven verdict: Wow. Now this perfectly captures the smell of rage. Anyone who you approach will immediately know not to mess with you. In fact, there’ll be so much “Rage” in the air that they’ll be looking for Christian Bale, thinking a lighting engineer has just messed up his take.

Worthy Cologne

Possess the Power.

This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.

Bad Haven verdict: Smell like Chris Hemsworth. Great for picking up woman as it’s so strong and contains hallucinogenic properties. This means that instead of seeing you, they’ll see a chiselled jawed behemoth with a six pack on his six pack.

Mischief

Made to Rule.

Possessed of Superhuman strength, Genius-level intelligence, Mystical powers, Telepathy, Flight, Clairvoyance, Therianthropy, and Teleportation… who could blame you for becoming the greatest trickster of them all? So wear your crown of baleful maleficence with pride; let mirth and mayhem stand ready at your side, anticipating your every command. Test their mettle knowing you have nothing to fear; you are Mischief and you were made to rule.

Bad Haven verdict: The smell of Loki is a hard one to describe. At times it’ll be the sweetest thing you can wear before immediately turning sour and convincing you that you haven’t showered in a few days. It’s almost like it plays tricks on you, but how does that equate to Loki, the God of mischief? Swing and a miss marvel, Swing and a miss.

Trading cards.

Here they are. This state of the art card set features everything you love about the Avengers. Featuring lots of shots of everyone’s favourite crime fighting duo Emma Peel and John Steed. Hooray! Oh, wait, I might have gotten the wrong image for this one. Gimme a second.

Sorry, here’s the actual advertisements for Marvel’s The Avengers trading cards. These are the perfect for that 40 year old virgin who lives in your basement….otherwise known as your son.

Here’s what they contain:

Avengers Assemble Box Break

• One Sketch Card
• 24 Inserts
• 168 Total CardsAvengers Assemble Product Highlights:

• 180-card base set brings together previous Marvel films featuring the characters from The Avengers, including Thor, Incredible Hulk, Captain America and Iron Man. It will also include a preview of the new Avengers film.
• Hobby boxes include one hand-drawn sketch card featuring characters from the Marvel Universe.
• Every hobby pack includes one exclusive insert:
• Classic Covers
• Heroes and Villains
• Concept Series
• Autograph Cards and Costume Cards will also be included (names and characters to be named later).
• Stickers (30 cards, 1:1) are a retail exclusive.

There you go. All you need to know about the assorted nonsense you can spend your hard earned money on. Also, I know that there are people out there who are collectors and to whom these things will seem pretty great. In order to even the stakes as I’ve looked at this in a slightly more sarcastic and cynical manner than maybe I should have, here’s a list of nerd activities I’ve done that require mocking but that I will never apologise for:

-Read at least 75-100 Star Wars books.

-Own a Nicholas D Wolfwood (from Trigun) action figure bought well after I should have stopped buying toys.

-Am currently reading the Gears of War novels.

-Have spent years tracking down original copies of Garth Ennis comics, even when I own them in TPB form.

-Played the Battlestar Galactica board game and enjoyed it.

Right, I’m not giving everything away. Just enough that, if you want to, you can use to rage against me in the comments section.

Never let it be said that I’m nothing if not fair.