Presuming that me writing it wasn’t a dream; some of you might have read part one of my attempt to settle the whole Star Trek vs Star Wars argument via the medium of smartass remarks and pithy generalisations (If not, then it can be found here). As promised, here is the concluding part, for which I elected to take a more sober, studious approach. then changed my mind because I am rarely sober and my body and mind hates studying, so more of the same then.
I seem to remember promising to focus on the actual characters last week, and that’s what I will do. For the most part I’m gonna focus on the main ones two at a time. A kind of “Icon vs Icon” thing so as to keep it fairly simple, not least because if I were to start tackling some of the shittier characters and trying to pit them head to head in this context, it would be too damn easy to slip into mercilessly lampooning them for no other reason than the unending joy of mockery and that’s not …
I just talked myself into doing exactly that.
Wesley Crusher vs Jar Jar binks
So its a fight then is it? Well, no because quite honestly a Hitler-haircutted know-it-all, shit-witted child in a physical altercation with a FrogCamelRioFerdinandHeatherMillsMcCartney is too stupid to warrant the thought involved. I imagine it would probably end with confused Wesley wetting himself just because and that other bastard trying to work out how to untie his feet from his ears whilst setting back decades of civil rights struggle with his every Helium-Infused-Uncle-Remus utterance.
Now know one likes a precocious child, I mean remember James Harries? No? Sometimes known as “The Hellspawn who Prances like a man?” Still nothing? OK Well you know the way a Brussels Sprout takes all the aesthetics and bitter evil of a cabbage and condenses it into a grotesque little scale model? Now imagine the same process applied to Sixth Doctor Colin Baker. Yep; that kid was such a pain in the nations ass they had to rebuild him as a woman just so he would survive into adolescence. Actually Wesley’s not as bad as all that on reflection. What was my point again?
SHUT UP WESLEY!
Oh yeah; Jar-Jar’s a c*nt.
Sliding door to the Bridge of the Enterprise opens and Wesley enters.
“What the… Where is everyone?”
“Uh ooooooooh, meesa sowweeeeee”
“What have you done with the captain, and to a lesser extent, commander Riker? And what the hell are you, did someone leave the fridge open?”
“Wheeee” (spins round in what was formerly the captains chair) “Meesta Baldy eesa go da booom boom”
“Are you one of the Black-Eyed Peas?”
The creature tries to stand up and somehow manages to put one of his own eyes out
“Uh-Oh! Whoooop woopwoopwoop”
There is an ominous crash from somewhere near the bridge, followed by an explosion as the door is blown open
“We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated”
The newly one-eyed creature runs around in circles, arms, ears and tongue flailing; much to the Borg’s bewilderment
“Hey! where are you going? Can I come?” Shouts Wesley as the Borg makes for the exit
“No. Cubes full”
“Weesa be bestest friends Wezzie…..”
For all our sakes, let’s hope they then destroy the Enterprise. I’d suggesting Nuking it from space…… it’s the only way to be sure.