5 Frustrating Problems With “The Wolverine”

the-wolverine
Posted on: July 25th, 2013

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I really just don’t get it. Before Robert Downey Jr. took Iron Man from being a kind of mid-carder to being everyone’s favourite go-to hero, you could have asked pretty much anyone with a passing knowledge of the Marvel Universe who the baddest motherfucker in comicdom was and (Presuming they had never heard of the Saint of Killers) they would have said “Wolverine” in a heartbeat.

Nothing wrong there I suppose. He’s the archetype of the Antihero; following a moral compass that is all his own, generally fighting on the side of good because it suits him to; Having a bullshit tolerate-o-meter that goes all the way to zero and arguably on an equal footing with Batman in the public consciousness in that he’s widely regarded as a fellow who will ALWAYS WIN regardless of the conflict, not because of his adaptability or technical know-how, like Batman, but because no matter how hard or with what you hit him, he will get back up and hand you your ass, which he will have sliced into something resembling bacon.

 

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Here’s the thing though. He has been let down a bucketful when it comes to having a movie to call his own. Twice.

Yep, “The Wolverine” is upon us and it’s not great. In fact it’s pretty bad, and once again fans (well, this one anyway) are left scratching their heads as to how they got it so wrong and found a way to do the opposite of learning from the mistakes of the previous movie. A couple of things stand out as being particularly frustrating:

 

5. It’s Like Missing An Open Goal

Why do you like Wolverine? Is it his sense of fair play? The new gadgets he keeps producing? How understanding and how much of a father figure he is to the younger X generation? How his easy charm allows him to talk his way out of any situation?

 

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Nope you’re thinking of someone else. And whoever that someone is sounds like a big girls blouse. You don’t need to write a moral conundrum for Wolverine. You don’t need to write effervescent, sparky dialogue, you don’t need a convoluted labyrinthine plot for him to unravel, and you certainly don’t need to have him match wits with any super-intelligent villains.

With a protagonist like this, less is more. You just set him up against an enemy 40 or 50 times his size, or hopelessly outnumber him, then after a quick but undoubtedly bad-ass sounding quip, watch as him and his Adamantium Claws fuck everyone up.

 

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Anything else that happens around him is a bonus, sure, but the crux of the biscuit is that wolverine is a bad motherfucker and if you forget that (and I’m afraid “The Wolverine” utterly forgot that as he spends a disheartening portion of the movie getting beaten up) you’re left with nothing to really grab onto except for the hope that ancillary characters in your little game of “Spot the cameo appearance” provide a few laughs or at least a supportive raising of the eyebrow.

Nope

 

4. They Made A Bollocks Of The Support Characters. AGAIN!

To be fair, they managed not to shit the bed in such spectacular fashion this time round as they did the first time. (Deadpool; The Merc with the mouth has his mouth sewn shut? Has someone been drinking fucking BLEACH?) The fudging of beloved characters is toned down a little bit, but it is still there.

 

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A more avid follower of the Wolverine canon than myself will most likely find plenty to howl about; For example I’m told one of the female protagonists may have gone on to be Deathstryke, depending on who you ask and which continuity you prefer, even though she turns up in X2 and is a different person whom wolverine has never met before. Viper spits and hisses her way through the film as its primary villain, all the while being as menacing as Your Mum, and as for the big not-at-all-foreshadowed climactic battle at the end, and who takes part in said battle, well I won’t spoil it for you. It’ll kind of do that itself.

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Author Info Comments
  • Guywhomeanswellbutwillgetinsul

    Every movie Wolverine is in, people are knifed to death. He is immortal and knifed people to death. Okay. Yeah, I can totally see why this movie had a different take on Wolverine. After a while, watching an immortal guy who runs around Shanking people gets a little… predictable? Now, I’ll admit, I’ve severely underrated Wolverine here — he is truly unique and impressive — but you have to admit one thing. In order to make another Wolverine movie, they needed a new risky idea. Maybe it wasn’t as great as we wanted, but it was worthy of the total in my opinion.

  • Fernando Yanmar Narciso

    lets keep milking the superhero movie milk cow until the bovine flips inside-out

  • http://Geekshizzle.com/ TheFran

    This is hands down the worst article on badhaven to date. Seriously.. Your comical “pissing” on the movie is not received well at all..Yogi bear? wtf? From this review it sounds like you are the type of person that loves mindless action with lots of CGI and no story or character dev at all, yet you demand great acting? You probably loved Pacific Rim then hey? This movie had what just about every other superhero movie to date lacked. Granted it wasn’t the best movie ever, but it sure as hell better than you described it.

  • Tyler

    How the fuck am I supposed to read this site? What a piece of shit, learn to use a color combo that can be fucking read.

    • alexdevant

      Hi there, site designer here. Everything looks fine on this end (black text on light grey background) and I’ve tried it on other computers. Can you tell me how it looks on your end and what browser/computer you are using so I can try to diagnose the problem? Thanks.

  • Patrick

    That…was a horrendous article. Totally off-base, griping about some minor nonsense…get a grip, buddy.

    • Jon ‘Jonny’ Preece

      have you seen the movie?

    • Travis

      This article was clearly not written by a wolverine fan or an avid movie-goer. To actually full out say you’d rather have a mindless action flick depicting a complex character stripped down to a mere fighting machine and just – fighting guys? That’s idiotic. I can’t believe you spent the time writing this piece of shit. The film was very good, excellent direction IMO

    • Mark McCann

      It really wasn’t ‘very good’, it was average at best and I’ve been reading comics for long enough to know what a good take on Wolverine is.

      And I find it more hilarious that you enjoyed seeing the biggest mass murderer in comics portrayed as a delicate flower, when really what makes Wolverine so compelling isn’t merely his everyman perspective, dishonored Samurai shame, his mysterious past and contemporary amnesia, but mostly that he will kill a motherfucker at the drop of a hat as his first and last option for most situations, and sleep like a baby that night.

      He isn’t the most prolific cameo character in just about every comic on the shelves because of his robust and traumatic back-story. It’s because he cuts fuckers up with his claws while other ‘supers’ reel in horror and fans cheer because some surly beer drinking bastard out there is crass and practical enough to cross the line.

      All I can say is, thank sweet baby Jesus that Mark Bomback (Total Recall 2012, Die Hard 4.0) had Scott Frank (Minority Report, Get Shorty) to level him out or we’d have ended up with twice the piece of cinematic shit we actually did.

      What we got was a melancholy riff on a timely, visceral Wolverine tale from Chris Claremont and Frank Miller at their best. Which was shit on by a 12A rating, a forced romance and some odd character choices for a man best known for knifing people to death. It was also marred by a giant fucking robot ripped right out of the end of Iron Man. Disappointing film. Disappointingly defensive fan boys.

    • Jerry Babbitt

      Off base my dick. Did you watch this film? It was a middle of the road movie at best. Stop pissing and moaning about the write up cos you love Wolverine like he’s your girlfriend and forgive him even when his movies ain’t all that

    • Patrick

      I have a hard time wrapping my head around people thinking that Logan was somehow a pussy in this movie. His body count was fairly high, and would have been higher if not for a conveniently -placed pool, or Yukio keeping him from killing those poachers in the bar. All that being said, it was a fairly decent flick, in my opinion…but nothing to write home about. Some good scenes (the train sequence was great, and him fighting the assassins at the funeral was pretty good,) but the pacing was off, and the ending seemed rushed. Viper was out of place and almost completely pointless. I feel like somewhere buried in this movie is a much better, more hardcore cut.

  • Carolina Howlin

    Your review is fucking awfull. You call yourself a wolverine “fan” but you clearly have no fucking idea on how to make a movie.. oh well.. you’re just another retard who can’t get over it..

    • Jon ‘Jonny’ Preece

      have you seen the film?

    • marx

      Is that your only comeback? Yeah, I’ve seen the movie and this article is garbage. Have YOU seen the film?

    • Jon ‘Jonny’ Preece

      calm down! no i havent and thats why i asked if you had so i know whether or not your opinion is valid and it turns out yours is!!!

    • random

      You don’t need to know how to make films to know when you’ve watched a not so great one. I mean, is it so hard to have a mutant samurai?

    • Jerry Babbitt

      You are a fucking baseline idiot. Did you write that paragraph while breathing out your mouth sugar tits?

    • Jen Sullivan

      You unbelievable prick!