Everyone rejoice! Disney have bought Lucasfilm and there’s going to be some new Star Wars films! Yay! Even better, everyone’s favourite director JJ Abrams is on board to direct!
As we all know, there is a dangerous shortage of Star Wars related movies, spin-offs and memorabilia; so the news that J “Jesus” Abrams is on board has in fact saved the lives of hundreds of fanboys with an addiction to The Force. We can all sleep soundly at night now that we are 100% sure the new Star Wars will be the greatest thing since the invention of pornography.
OH WAIT, I’M LYING. I HOPE YOU ENJOY PAIN BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE’RE IN FOR OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS. NEVERENDING PAIN FOR BOTH FANS AND NON-FANS ALIKE.
The announcement of a new Star Wars is the most depressing news ever, and here’s why.
4. There Will Be More Star Wars Fanboys in Existence
Let me state up front that I enjoyed the original trilogy and I think they are very good films. They are not my favourite movies by any stretch, but I find them enjoyable without feeling the need to wear Luke Skywalker pajamas or classify myself as a Jedi when filling out the census form. So whilst I don’t love Star Wars, I don’t hate it either.
What I DO hate is the Star Wars ultra-fanboys. Like beaten wives who return to their violent husbands they refuse to acknowledge that there is an absolute ton of pure nonsense associated with the franchise. From bad books, games and the worst prequels known to man, it’s hard to believe that there are people in this world who believe the origin of sunlight can be found in the rear end of George Lucas.
The prequel trilogy sucked, and if you think it’s as good as the original you are delusional. You are the Rihanna to Lucasfilm’s Chris Brown. How many digs to the face do you need before you realize that there’s only one party benefiting from your never-ending forgiveness?
Whether the new Star Wars is good or bad, it will inevitably lead to the creation of more Star Wars fundamentalists. They are the sci-fi Taliban – the world needs less of that.
3. The Amount of Hype Will Make You Want to Murder People
The ink wasn’t even dry on the contract between Lucasfilm and Disney before my Facebook news feed was plastered with contemplation, speculation and even ejaculation regarding a new Star Wars film. As I resisted the urge to stick my foot through the computer screen a worrying thought dawned on me: “This is only going to get worse.”
As we get closer to the release of a new film the hype machine will be completely unavoidable. This is especially true on the internet where sites like this one need to generate traffic. Modern audiences enjoy speculating about films years before they are finished and websites are only too happy to feed their thirst for pointless information.
I can predict the headlines already:
“ABRAMS CONFIRMS YODA WILL BE TWO SHADES OF GREEN LIGHTER. FANS OUTRAGED.”
“ACTOR SPILLS CUP OF COFFEE ON STAR WARS SET. PRODUCTION HELD UP FOR 10 MINUTES.”
“BREAKING NEWS: NEW STAR WARS OFFICIAL RUNNING TIME EXTENDED DUE TO 5 SECONDS OF A BLACK SCREEN AFTER THE CREDITS ROLE.”
We here at Bad Haven have been partially to blame for this in the past. Sci-Fi fans visit our site, so we kind of have to cover the stuff they’re interested in. However after careful deliberation we have decided we can no longer continue to do this. Such meaningless hype is ruining cinema and the new Star Wars will bring it to a whole new level.