E-Book: ALIEN (From The Perspective Of Jones The Cat). What Next? Predator From The Point Of View Of The Scorpion?…..Hmmmm

Posted on: May 21st, 2012

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I know that whilst Ripley was technically the hero of Alien, we all had a soft spot for the ginger (and by that we mean, Jones, the crew’s Ginger Tomcat). If I remember correctly, the cat even got abit of a personality in the novelisation….and by personality, I mean that he basically didn’t give a shit about them and mainly wanted to know why he wasn’t being feed.

Anyway, for anyone who wants to know what Jones thought of the whole situation aboard the Nostromo, film critic Anne Billson has written “My Day by Jones: A Cat’s-Eye View Of Alien”. She has also published the E-book (and you can download yourself a copy at Smashwords)

The book is a easy read at only 6 pages long (the rest of the of the file is for Bilson’s vampire novel Suckers) but is quite amusing. Especially if you are a Cat lover as, whilst the cat does seem to think like a human, Jones basically acts how you imagine a cat would in that situation. He spends most of the story sleeping, wondering why people (affectionately referred to as “Can Openers”) aren’t paying him enough attention or generally being affronted by the Can Openers and their lack of respect:

Here’s a few scenes from the book that you might just recognise from the films:

Look who’s coming for dinner:

Anyhow, we’re all tucking in together and everyone seems quite jolly when all of a sudden one of the other can-openers throws a fit and starts going into spasms on the table, and I realise the weird new smell has been coming from him all along. All the other can-openers are making a gigantic fuss of spasm-guy, and I feel a bit left out and wonder whether I should reclaim their attention with some cute feline antics. But next thing you know, shazzam! Spasm-guy has suddenly given birth to a hairless kitten with teeth! Catastrophe! Now no-one is paying me any attention at all, even though the hairless kitten clearly has no idea how to behave in can-opener company. Even when it scuttles off, the can-openers are too preoccupied with it to notice me. Honestly, if I’d known it would get that sort of reaction, I too would have burst out of someone’s chest like a cheap birthday cake stripper. I slink out of the mess room and off into a corner of a store area for a good sulk, and then the sulk turns into another nap. Hmmm. Big fat guinea-pigs, squealing as I…

Pay attention Brett (Harry Dean Stanton):

Who does he think he’s kidding? It’s embarrassing. Even the new-born hairless kitten isn’t going to fall for that crap. In fact, this can-opener is starting to piss me off with the patent insincerity of his “Here Jonesey” schtick so I scamper next door into the room where they keep the big drill…

Uh-oh. Something not quite right in here. Better retreat into a small corner, just in case. Manage to avoid the pouring rain in the middle of the room, though the can-opener, who’s followed me, hangs around in it, like he thinks he’s taking a shower or something. Honestly, humans really are stupid.  Anyhow, the hairless kitten pops up behind him, except it appears to have had some sort of growth spurt, so I hiss at it, just to show it who’s boss, and that seems to work since it ignores me completely and decides to play with the can-opener instead. Even so, I’m a little miffed at being ignored again, so eventually I turn my back on them both, and leave them to it.

Overall, it’s a quirky, enjoyable and quick read but I’d recommend it.

I’m just worried about where she got the idea for it, it sounds alot like my “Predator: Through the eyes of the knifed Scorpion” story that I’m writing:

The Predator’s Sting:

Aha, there’s alot of gunfire today. It’s really getting in the way of me doing…..whatever it is scorpions do. I’ll just follow this big guy. Good Lord, he just threw a knife (how do I know what a knife is?……Never mind) into another man and said “Stick around”. What a monster, that’s so callou…..oh wait, stick around, I just got it, hahahaha.


Right, there’s one over there. He looks abit like Rocky’s nemesis/best mate (I never understood that, you don’t me seeing becoming best friends with Steven, that scorpion I stinger-ed a few weeks back…..maybe because he’s dead). I’ll just go for a meander on his back.

Jesus, that took longer than expected. This guy is tall. Now I will reveal myself and we shall be the best friends…like him and Rocky. AGGGHHH, What the Fu……. Who’s this joker and why has he stabbed me in the back? Et tu Mac?

Take a picture pervert, it’ll last longer!

Alas, it appears it is over for me. Will the World remember me by my real name, James Bond, or will I forever be that scorpion from Predator. Hold on, Mac’s putting me down. Ha, the games not over yet boys……oh wait, what’s that shadow. Is that a boot?

OH FU…………..

I must be dying, someone’s lifting me up towards Heaven. But I can’t see them, they’re all transparent (how do I know what transparent mea…..I don’t have time for this right now dammit!). This must be what an Angel looks like. Maybe I can make one final request before I die. “Do me a favour brother, kill them. KILL THEM ALL!”

Source: bleedingcool.com

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Author Info

Dan is just a guy who worked in a video store and took the compliment/insult that he was like “Randal” from “Clerks” a little too literally. Thankfully Bad Haven has given him the chance to blurt out his internal monologues on nerd culture. Proclaiming his love for the things he likes (which include books, movies, games, comics) and utterly destroying the things he doesn’t (pretty much everything else). Dan is an editor, reviewer and feature writer for Bad Haven.

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